Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
