onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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