apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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