Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
