I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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