go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
