Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
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Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
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LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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