i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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