once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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