I cannot find my penis.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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