Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
