just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
