i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
