I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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