I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
