Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
