dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
