Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
