Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
