I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
