When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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