i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
