It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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