sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
