Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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