hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm passing your future prison.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
