I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
