forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
