I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
