and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Boobs speak an international language.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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