I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
