Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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