I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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