I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
