He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
