First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
