Just mADE A PArabola og urine
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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