How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
