i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
