I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
