for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
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All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
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Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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