I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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