I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
