the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
