i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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