you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
