who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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