thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Randomize
