One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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