Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
