it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
