Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
