I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
