So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I woke up under a house in Key West
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
