fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
