oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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