who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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