I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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