she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
