Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
