Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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