Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
