Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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